Consider this excerpt from last week’s note…
“Love is in caring about the impact of your thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Remember impact trumps intention.”
We have all said, “I never meant that” or “I never intended to hurt you.” The road to hell is paved with good intentions! When we take responsibility for the impact we have, intended or otherwise, we contribute to repairing the fracture that occurs.
Everything we do as a couple, a family or a community either brings us closer together or further apart. Inevitably, when we have the experience of feeling further apart after an interaction with our lover, we could look at both what we said AND how we said it.
When we examine what we said, we may come to a realization that our lover was triggered by the tone of the question or the comment we made. We may discover that what we said, isn’t what we meant. We may even come to realize that there was a part of us that didn’t want to connect or get closer in that moment.
Being able to compassionately ‘own’ what was going on for us in the disconnection and then sharing that with our lover contributes to repairing daily disconnects. A knee-jerk apology counts for little without real insight into what was going on for us in the moment that contributed to the disconnection. Interestingly, it isn’t how much or how little a couple fights that is a predictor of relationship health and longevity.
The best predictor of a successful, joyful connection is our repeated ability to humbly and even joyfully repair relationship ruptures by owning our part in the process.
Impact trumps intention.
If you know someone who is struggling with love, invite them to call Owen at 416 694-0015 x 223. I can assist them in getting out of their own way.